For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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