filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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