i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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