i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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