Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
