P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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