some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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