i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
