for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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