He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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