I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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