Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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