the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
