How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
