After last night, I could never be a politician.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Even my vagina gasped.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
