Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
