CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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