I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
did i just pee glitter
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
