Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
