So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
