at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
