Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
