Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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