My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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