He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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