Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
