If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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