There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
