Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
