You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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