Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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