There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize