I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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