I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
