Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
