We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
