She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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