I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
