I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
