I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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