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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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