i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
