I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
