So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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