i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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