He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
