Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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