well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
