when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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