I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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