Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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