Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
