I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
