life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
