I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
