Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize